Nightmare
by anonyreaderfan
Summary: An exploration of the nightmare Jedikiah has over and over again.


Disclaimer: The Tomorrow People is the Property of the CW. No copyright infringement is intended.

~ X ~

Jedikiah tosses and turns caught in the throes of the nightmare that traps him whenever he's stressed out. Always the same. A participant in the events that unfold and at the same time a bystander able to comment, but powerless to change what he watches. Forced to endure it once again.

He watches as the medical assistant sticks electrodes to John's skin, inserts a needle into his hand, and straps him to the chair.

He calmly steps forward. "Give me a moment alone with the subject." _Really? The subject. I couldn't even call him by his name. So reluctant to show any evidence of friendship in front of the medical staff. Upholding my image as the stoic second in command._

"You don't have to do this." His face is expressionless reflecting none of his concern.

"I volunteered remember." John does his best to remove all responsibility from his mentor, but Jedikiah knows in his heart that he, the mentor, is to blame.

"What makes you think you're gonna be the first successful test subject?" _That's it? That's the only thing you say?_

"Someone's gotta be the first. You said I'd make an ideal candidate." John quotes his own words back at him.

"I know what I said." _And I wish I could take it back._

"Wait you're not scared your gonna lose me are you?" John is only semi teasing, needing to know he cares.

"Because you're my best agent." _That's the best you could give the kid?_

John turns his head, smiling ruefully as if he should have known better than to expect him to show that he cares. "Don't get all sentimental on me now, Jedikiah."

"Clearly the sedative they gave you is making you loopy. I'm simply reminding you of the risks." _I care, John. I do care._

"It's worth the risk. When I come out of here your best agent is going to be even better. You'll see. I'll make you proud of me." The boy was so painfully sincere, so earnest in his desire to please him.

_Why couldn't I say the words? —Why didn't I tell him? —There's no need for this. I am proud of you. I couldn't be prouder. __He stays silent._

The door closes and the doctor announces, "Everybody ready. Let's begin."

I stop him. "No, I'll do it." _I can never forgive myself if you —if anything happens to you._

I don't hear what they're saying. I watch him shiver and shake. I see the clenching of his fists and the pain lines on his face.

The lights flash emergency red. He flat lines. They push more drugs, but he doesn't respond.

_No! No! No! No!_

Jedikiah wakes with his heart pounding, the pain of losing John so real he has to swallow down the sobs that rack his chest. He pants hard, taking deep gasping breaths. Sweat dampens his undershirt. He slowly gets up, heading into the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, he sees sweat droplets on his forehead. He wipes them off with an unsteady hand and pours himself a glass of water.

After drinking, he again stares at his reflection. _Why? Why does he dream this same dream whenever he's upset?_

He wanders back to his bed, flinging himself down on it. He knows from experience that if he falls back to sleep too soon he'll sucked back into the nightmare.

It started the day after he finally faced John again, six years later. The day after he pointed his pistol at him and shot. It's plagued him ever since.

He curses himself once again for losing John. He knew the boy was in trouble after the neural stripping. How could he see the dark shadows under the boy's dull eyes, the gray tinge to his skin, the weight loss and ignore it? How could he push the boy to kill someone he cared so deeply for? Pushed him so hard, he pushed him right over the edge.

_Hindsight is perfect!_ Once again he brushes it off as he always does when faced with his culpability. Using the same old lame excuse.

He lays on his back wondering for what seems like the hundredth time . . .

_Why?_

_That deep sense of loss . . . of pain that he feels . . . He knows he is mourning, but what is it he's mourning?_

_Is it the harsh killing of the boy in John in place of the natural maturing he should have been allowed?_

_Is it the death of their friendship?_

_Is it the death of their father son relationship?_

_Is it for that part of John's soul that is destroyed every time he kills?_

_Is it his subconscious punishing him for what he's done and what he knows he will do?_

He doesn't have the answer. He doesn't know if he ever will.

~ FIN ~


End file.
